| The author, in the foreground, demonstrates "duct tape" racing last year at the Season Finale Team Relay
Sprints in Roscommon, Michigan. Potter skied with a splint barely visible on one pole, 15-year-old equipment and 30-year-old knickers. Despite feeling like he was racing with broken ribs, he finished in the top 10 in his heat. Potter's Team NSR went on to win the overall 2005 Team Michigan Cup. "Talk about a points gauntlet being thrown," he said. Photo by Mike Muha |
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The Duct Tape World Points Series
Turn your mishaps, busted & vintage equipment into sources of pride
by Jeff Potter
Allow me to introduce a cross-country skiing competition so far based on little more than actual experiences of mine and ski bums I've known. The intention of the so-called series is to salute "The Racer With Gumption Despite All Odds."
A race can be won with great training, genetics, coaching and equipment. In fact, every race has a winner. But true Duct Tape (DT) Champions are a breed apart. Everyone has a chance but few are called and fewer chosen. Beat-up equipment and big bellies turn into advantages if they contribute to a good story.
Basically, the "winner" has the highest-place finish with the most lame excuses. It's a judgment call and
incumbent upon each participant to persuade others to buy their points and/or buy them a beer. Scoring has thus far been applied to ski racing but could translate well to bike racing, paddling and other low-tech silent sports.
My personal best accumulation of DT points came last year when I had a top 10 finish at a ski race with duct-taped gloves, splinted pole, 15-year-old skis, boots and poles, a nail holding my bindings down, and 30-year-old knickers on a hilly, icy course.
Categories in the series include repair, resourcefulness, mismatching, hygiene, timeliness, vintage and disaster.
Scoring
Thus far, point scoring has been based on the following:
Repairs to equipment: Half a point awarded for repaired clothing, and half a point for use of second-hand gear. Relative points regarding quality of repair. The general rules are duct tape beats epoxy, nails beat
screws and "freshness counts," meaning repairs made in the parking lot immediately before the start of a race get more points.
Failure of repairs during event but still able to finish: Failure to finish = DQ (The exception is if you find yourself a maximum distance from the finish and require rescue. Then you win automatically.)
Hygienic faults: Extra point if you get a complaint about body odor while racing. Extra point if contestant
notices odor first and inquires naively of others if they can smell him or her.
Tardiness: Points accumulate faster after the sound of the starting gun. Bonus point for waxing skis at the sound of gun.
Lost bib, missed registration, bandit racing: All of these circumstances warrant series points but open competitors up to sanctions by the event organizers not worth the risk.
Lack of necessary clothing and resulting disasters.
Misapplied clothing: Such as running in a nightclub jacket, jeans or street shoes.
Clothing failure: Such as when ski knickers fall down due to worn out waistband, lost drawstring, etc.
Ancient gear: Each item over a decade old gets a point. Adidas beak-toe ski boots count double.
Reckless speed or navigation: Bonus point for wasting time gained by speed resulting in a crash or by getting
tired, lost or starting way too fast, etc. Drama and contrast count. So leading the race for 3K and finishing last would score more points.
Mooching: Usually to offset forgotten gear. (DQ for forgetting gear and not successfully mooching, however.) Breaking borrowed equipment that hurts.
Worse placing than others of lesser ability: The more bizarre the finishing place, the more points. Racing with a hangover scores in this elite category.
Hampering others trying to get to an event: Staying up until 4 a.m. the morning your friends come to pick you up. Any points gained come with a dose of your friends' resentment. It's best not to insist on getting points for such behavior.
Getting lost or overreaching: Starting "just one more" long loop or leg at the end of a hard day, in wet clothes as it's getting dark. Bonking is always worth points. Sports drinks, gels or food smeared on face and
down front of self gets half a point.
(The winner in this category so far is a formerly successful young British skier heard muttering, "I'm knackered. Really knackered" before collapsing on beginner no-wax skis at the finish of the 50K Vasa. Frozen orange slices clung to his chest.)
Use of untested equipment in a big race: Extra points if competitor has difficulties that cost him or her places. Subtract points if everything goes fine.
Trespassing: Sleeping under the bushes alongside Telemark Lodge, for instance.
Sleeping in car at race start parking lot.
Dumpster-dived gear: The best performance I've witnessed in this category involved a kiddie sleeping bag and string-tie cushions found in the trash used for sleeping in zero degree weather under the bushes at Telemark.
Low-grade or wrong food: A combination of noodles, tomato paste and refried beans called "spaghetti," or
licorice carbo-loading and Faygo fluid replacement.
Eating in unusual public places: Such as cooking dinner in a laundromat.
Scamming: Use of sixth sense to locate the nearest floor space, shower, free grub and best of all hot tub.
So to enter in the Duct Tape World Points Series, send in your best story or that of your buddy in care of this magazine. Photographic evidence of the maniac involved is highly encouraged.
Jeff Potter lives in Williamston, Michigan, where he publishes Out Your Backdoor magazine (www.outyourbackdoor.com). He would like to credit Stephen Potter (no relation) and his classic One-Upsmanship books for inspiring the Duct Tape World Point Series.
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